i need to do something about my "when i know you'll always be there, i need you less." attitude.
my life is in small pieces. like a 3-D jigsaw puzzle. FUN! but discouraging...
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shit has been bat shit insane. almost got arrested again about a month ago. and the things going down right now... so scary. this can only make me stronger. trying to stay positive. at least i can say i'm healthy. never thought i'd have a boyfriend i didn't want to run away from. i feel blessed, that's for sure. i never let the little things get to me and i won't start now.
ps being in love sometimes makes you feel lonely. or is it the fatigue.
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| 2009-09-11 10:09 |
| FUCK |
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i have to focus on convincing myself that "im bigger than that" and it eats up my energy at a rapid and alarming rate. fucking soul sucker.
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long beach was actually really fun today. jared brought the party. i've never had so much fun in the ocean before. and only my feet and calves got wet. laughing uncontrollably is a work out.
craving another orion
thomas is trippin on lsd
keith is watching a movie
i'm thinking about driving out to rancho to find a smoke out
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i refuse to let another summer get lost in the cave of dull brain cells and vague memories
a couple nights ago i went to l.a. with keith and christine. we went to christine's old loft at the old pbr brewery. went to a loft one floor down in search of a keg. found one. a fucken blue moon keg. sooooo delicious. drank beer while talking to drunk asses and watching drunk asses dance. watched them dance VERY WELL. went up to the roof to smoke. got hit on by a bi-sexual qt. she was all over my nuts. she was drunk. got really into the freestyle rapping that was going on next to me. hilarious fucking shit. bri is fucking hilarious. although they were fucking around they actually flowed really well. the beatboxing was weak but worked damn well. got cross-faded at christine's. woke up and got lost while trying to take her to her grandma's in compton. drove me and keith home. went to lunch with my parents. my mom thought i took out my septum ring for her. hahahahah. awwww. i played along. little does she know that it simply fell out while i was sleeping and i never found it. she just won $500 at the casino. you go girl!!!!! i love eating with my mama and papa. i wish my sister could have been there but she was working. it was a pleasant father's day. i went to riverside after to hang up some new (unfinished) work. took it down before i left so that i can finish it. my goal for this summer is to FINISH EVERYTHING I START.
yesterday morning i vaped it up with anthony, art, and rymanda. i talked to art about junior high most of the time. we talked about our twilight zone experiences at townshend jr high. we wondered out loud why everyone was so tense most of the time and why our lives revolved around competition when we were 13 and 14. we wondered what the race wars were about and why the concept of "race" was so prevalent in our tiny brains. of course we did not learn anything knew. only my belief that everyone in the ie is separated by 3 degrees of separation or less was once again reaffirmed. ate cheese enchiladas at tios. went home. went back to rancho. smoked weed with andy sherwood and marisa and michael at the magoni house. smoked a lot of weed. drank jack at andy's while listening to that fool tell hilarious stories FOREVER NON-STOP and watching El Topo. mid-conversation we heard his dad's shower go on. so i took off in a hurry because i was drunk and the sun was coming up. one of my favorite things to do is drive on the freeway when the sun is coming up. it didn't fail me.
woke up to a bright sun and a new roomie (keith). i think i'm going to lay out before i start my day. i started fighting that nihilistic tendency. andy and i talked about it last night. we talked about the many different styles of not giving a fuck. we talked about our boring generation. i need to repair some broken relationships before i can feel whole again.
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life has been really good lately. i wish i could write in here more. i do things every day and then i dont remember what i did on what day. i know it was fun--good, clean fun... but for some reason i have trouble appreciating good moments in retrospect now. i must piece together this puzzling revelation. did i ever appreciate good moments in retrospect? probably months after. did i ever reminisce about two days ago? possibly not. why do i feel like i should?
today i woke up. andrew had taken my car. i thought he would be back soon so i waited. i cleaned the kitchen. cleaned the living room. put a frozen pizza in the oven. put the radio on. did the dishes. smoked some weed. at around 4 i asked him where he was and he said he was at home. what the fuck. so i wait for thomas to get home. then darcy gets home. and we decide to go out on a quick outing. darcy showed me the patch of wilderness in corona on limonite that she was talking about the other day. it was LEGIT. it's like a river/creek, large enough to swim in, and a small cliff overlooking a deep end in which she claimed she witnessed kids jumping off the cliff into the water. LEGIT. i'm excited to go explore it more on a hot day. what's up with this fucking rainy ass weather? so fucked for southern california. it's june. it's supposed to be 103 degrees and unbearable. but i live for this shit. the first few drops today made me really want to go to the library. darcy said she checked out the corona library the other day so after thomas, darcy, and i scoped out the patch of corona wilderness we went to the library. i got my library card and a shit ton of books. all kinds of amazing books. i've been looking through all of them all day.
oh yeah, and in the car on the way to the Patch of Corona Wilderness and to the library, Darcy's dog, Maddy, vomitted twice. once on my bag and the second time all over the center passenger seat. i left my bag in the wilderness after emptying it of it's contents.
fuck dog vomit
the money issue has been a real fucking cunt to me lately. i have decided to move back into my parent's house for a short while to get back on my feet. i am going to save money to be able to go to school in the fall. i will probably have to find somebody to move in while i am not occupying my room. that seems like a harder task than just staying and barely getting by. but i'll try. all i know is, i'm not going to be that 25 yr old stoner who lives in corona and still works in retail as an assistant manager and talks about school like she doesn't care if only to tone down the glare of reality blinding her eyes.
i can't fucking wait until i have money again. cash flow begins this friday when i re-up. i am thinking of all sorts of money making schemes. you'll see.
my summer has been full of mentally rewarding activities and events so far. that's a good sign.
what is a good boyfriend?
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i tend to emotionally abuse the people i care about most
however, i still believe that i have given them more than i have ever given anyone else
and by more i mean more substance
im looking for balance
im a girl of extremes
sometimes i find myself blaming them for caring
i am an idiot
you are not here to judge
i am not here to punish
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there is a fine line between being sXe & politically aware... and being a dirty, lazy hippie
a line that is not much thinner than a stream of weed smoke
in other news the drama nausea is starting to settle and things are looking way up
simplicity is key
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yikes?
oh god?
i think i feel more like "oh"
got a little ahead of myself again
got a little ahead of reality actually
oops
fuck it
that shit was harsh
but i fucking live for this shit
so it's aiight
i'm excited about something
not sure what
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eh... i hate waking up from good dreams. i hate it when bubbles burst. i hate it when i remember that there's only 4 people out there who know me very, very well and i never see 2 of them at all anymore and i have yet to forgive 1 of them and let them back in (doesn't seem likely to happen). i think i hate being alone. maybe i shouldn't be so distant. i don't know how to not be.
i've been saying "meh" out loud a lot lately. i used to say it because it sounds so stupid it made me laugh. now i say it because it's how i feel. gay.
thomas and darcy have pretty much moved in. they haven't slept here yet but that's good because they haven't paid their first month's rent yet. darcy brought us a dog. it's very cute. i can't wait until this house is constantly alive and not just alive when it's full of drunk people on occasional, random nights. keith might move into the loft for $200/mo. that would help us out with rent in a very good way.
something about this entry makes me nauseous.
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it's cliche as fuck but i am very very attracted to assholes (not the body part but the type of boy)
ugh
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MAKE UP YOUR MIND
ARE YOU JUST FUCKING WITH ME?
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time to repent for the sins i have committed
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i am in a very, very good place right now. the past two weeks have been so ideal. disneyland for jared birthday alone was fucking amazing. probably my favorite disneyland experience to date. andrew and michael were the perfect people to hang out at disneyland with. i almost got kicked out a few times. and i'm not even 15 years old. everything has been smooth sailing. and i'm noticing it and taking full advantage. darcy and her dog move in today. yeah dawg.
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36daysyndrome's journal
